You Don’t Have to Crush Your Ex
Drop the Battle. Win the War that Matters.
Vanessa and Luke met in college. Young and ambitious, they fell in love, married, bought a house in the suburbs, and created a perfect family. Now, they are facing a very painful divorce and a custody battle over two children both parents adore.
Family members, friends, and legal professionals—everyone has an opinion about how to come out on top.
Through this insightful and witty choose-your-own-outcome-style story, Lori Bonnevier—a clinical social worker and seasoned child custody evaluator—shares her more than twenty years of trade secrets to help you navigate the complex and often-thorny experience of participating in family law litigation.
What Readers Are Saying
What Readers Are Saying
“You Don’t Have to Crush Your Ex takes an excellent approach, providing various scenarios in child-custody situations and thus having a better chance to fit each readers’ individual situation.”
~ Arthur B. Knauss, Esq.
Director of Legal Services – The Commons Law Center
“I have worked with Lori for more than fifteen years and seen firsthand how, for her, the children always come first. Her recommendations consistently advocate for the best interest of children. This book condenses Lori's decades of experience into a very fun, easy-to-read book that every parent in a custody conflict should refer to while making choices for their children.”
~ Jan Prunk, SS, SFF
Lori’s Office Mom
“My observations about Ms. Bonnevier are founded on perspective from 44 years working in law on issues pertaining to child abuse, safety, child development and their intersection with Juvenile, Criminal, Family and State Agency Law. I’ve observed Ms. Bonnevier’s work for about a quarter century. Lori merits recognition as one of the few top-level custody and parenting time evaluators in the Portland Metropolitan Area. Ms. Bonnevier brings an excellent blend of intelligence, knowledge, perspective, and common sense to her work. Ms. Bonnevier is, in all respects, a very helpful source of knowledge about the custody and parenting time dispute process.”
~ Rich Cohen, esq.
Attorney, trial lawyer on abuse and neglect and high-conflict parenting matters, author of chapters in Oregon Legal Handbooks in Juvenile, Family, and Criminal Law pertaining to child abuse investigation and high-conflict matters involving children
“Lori Bonnevier is one of the most competent and compassionate child custody evaluators with whom I’ve had the pleasure to work. You Don’t Have to Crush Your Ex offers a brilliant and one-of-a-kind opportunity for parents to see themselves, their co-parent, and their own child through a whole new lens. Lori offers up her decades of experience, her infectious humor, and her loving spirit in such a way that parents can experience common thinking and behavior that often compromises their child’s best interest. She also provides the reader a road map to a healthier future, where generations of families can thrive.”
~ Dr. Paul Stephen Stoltzfus, Psy.D.
Pediatric Psychologist Certified Forensic Psychologist
“I am a retired family law attorney. I first met Lori Bonnevier many years ago when she served as a custody evaluator in a case that was going nowhere. My adverse counsel and I picked Lori from a group of evaluators we knew, and she did a very good job. I practiced family law for just under 40 years. In that 40 years, I got to know many evaluators. One of my professional sidelights was publishing a Resource Guide for Divorce Lawyers, now in its 200-page,10th edition with 290 professionals sub-divided in 16 categories that professional divorce lawyers need to prepare and try their cases. Lori is in the book! Lori shared with me a draft of her book You Don’t Have to Crush Your Ex, and I recommend it highly."
~ John W. "Jack" Lundeen, esq.
“YAY for this important book—a beautiful juxtaposition of emotion and logic. Choice and Power are two words Lori uses immediately in the introduction. These simple words invoke Hope in the stressed reader. Reading this book will help ALL readers to ‘know more and do better.’ Lori is simply terrific! As a nurse practitioner working in women's health, I am pleased (and relieved) to be able to recommend this book to anyone who is going through the challenges of separation / divorce.”
~ Shanta L. Schriever, WHCNP
Nurse Practitioner
“I worked with Lori as a fellow custody evaluator almost 20 years ago. I have watched Lori approach her work with families grounded in an abundance of professional knowledge and experience. We are lucky Lori is sharing with us some important lessons from her many years working with divorcing and separating families. In this book, we get to step into the world of tough choices that parents make and consider our first reactions and then look at other possibilities. Our children win, and we can too, when we consider the big picture."
~ Hillary Hyde, MSW
Assistant Professor of Practice, Child, Youth and Family Studies Program, PSU
Lori Bonnevier
I am a licensed clinical social worker in the State of Oregon. I graduated from Portland State University in 2000 with a master’s degree in social work and hold undergraduate degrees in the disciplines of psychology and human services and an associate’s degree in child development.
Since 2002, I have practiced primarily as a child custody and parenting time evaluator and regularly provide testimony in the circuit courts as an expert witness. As an evaluator, my mission is to provide a competent, thorough, and unbiased assessment of all family members with the goal of developing a comprehensive plan that allows children the opportunity to maintain safe, healthy, and ongoing relationships with both parents and other significant people following a change in the family system. I have additionally served as a child and family therapist, mediator, parent coordinator, and recently added best interest consultant and coach to my repertoire.
Having expanded my practice to include consulting, coaching, and speaking, I am now able to share my message of Child-Focused Choices with a larger audience.
I live in Portland, Oregon. My co-parent is a lieutenant firefighter and paramedic. We share a love for music, nature, humor, sports, cooking delicious food, the divine spirit, our two dogs and two fabulous children, Cooper and Finley. Our children are conscientious students and good friends to all, have both earned their black-belts in mixed martial arts, are accomplished athletes in basketball and softball, and play the guitar and piano. They are two of the best humans I know and my grandest pride and joy.